In the woods, there is a house. It is a house that was in a town that flooded, but the house survived being carried miles away. This is the house that our hero, Luke Kleintank, has been dreaming about and drawing since he was a child. It is, he believes, the house that made him want to be an architect.
Our hero has a strange ability, and he has had it since birth. He is able to see how people are going to die by touching them. So, we start off with this unrealistic ability, and now we're going on a journey with him to find the house that his mother left to him when she died. She died, incidentally, in an insane asylum when the voice in the heating vent got angry with her.
It is self-evident from having seen Jeepers Creepers that this is the same guy. It's got a similar setup, and it has the same unabiding lack of horror that is somewhat distressing for a horror movie. It has a bit of gore, but it's not entirely believable. It has the occasional startle, but it doesn't even really have that. They try to make up for it by having an awesome story, but they don't really have that to fall back on, either.
Alex McKenna is the pregnant girlfriend who goes with him on this quest. Yes, I said that he takes a pregnant woman with him looking for a derelict house in the middle of nowhere. I'm not sure what part of What to Expect when You're Expecting covers running through swampland looking for lead paint filled houses with lots of rusty nails and various critters living in it, but I would suggest that it should caution against it.
Anthony Rey Perez follows Jan Michael Vincent in the series of fantastic actors who have three names. In this movie, he plays the plucky sidekick who always has a kind word and a joke. Actually, I made that up. It would have been great to have someone here with some comic relief or even with a character that I could care about. Anthony didn't get one. Instead, he is kind of a bodyguard, but he doesn't really protect anyone but himself.
The big name in this sucker is Tobin Bell. He's the guy who played Jigsaw in the entire Saw franchise. He gets to play the creepy old guy with hair that is way too long for his age. He claims to be a kind of protector for the property, and he is aggressive about forcing people off the land. To that end, he uses guys in dirty trench coats weilding axes to get rid of people either by scaring them or, it there is cause (and there is always cause) cutting them up with their axes. What is a surprising turn of racism, we don't see a single African American until we see the nasty axe creatures, and it seems most of them are black.
Acting was reasonable for the genre
Story was very bad
Dialog was also bad
Effects could have been better
Cinematography was okay
1.5/5