Universal Soldier (1992)
The first Universal Soldier seems like a fantastic movie right from the get-go. Released in 1992, it features Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren in their prime, and they die within the first ten minutes of the film. Then, they are resurrected by a secret government program as pseudo-cyborgs. On the plus side, most of the movie consists of robotic acting that is intentional.
As you might suspect, things don't go perfectly, and Dolph's homicidal tendencies take over to allow him to become the bad guy he was always intended to be. As Dolph is actually a better actor than JCVD, it benefits the audience that JCVD takes so long to regain a personality. Now, when I say he's a better actor, that does not necessarily mean that he's good. His monologue in the grocery store really drives that home. It's actually really difficult to rant like a madman realistically.
It has the feel of a late-80's movie. I'm not saying there is a huge difference between early 90's and late 80's, but there is an intangible something that really makes me think of the 80's. Might be the clothes, the hair, the special effects, the acting, or just the actors they picked. Well, at least we know there won't be a sequel. I'm not going to give it away, but it's pretty clear that a major character was completely obliterated by the end - no chance of ever coming back from that one.
2.5/5
________
Universal Soldier 2: Brothers in Arms (1998)
In 1998, they made a sequel. It doesn't have any of the same actors, but it has the same characters in it. In fact, it starts off with a recreation of the last battle scene from the previous movie with the new actors. Well, I say "movie," but it was clearly made for TV. And I say "actors" because they got paid to read lines and walk from point A to point B - you know, ACTING. The good news is, they got the greatest actor ever for this movie - Gary Busey. Honestly, he's the only one I even recognize (even from bit parts in other movies) other than the surprise cameo from Burt Reynolds. You read that right, BURT, but it's the briefest of cameos done probably entirely for the next film.
They subtitled this "Brothers in Arms," as they added a character that is the brother of the main good guy. For some reason, our hero has regressed a bit in his personality regaining. So, he's more robotic than he was at the end of the last movie. It doesn't make sense, but this movie isn't about making sense. This movie kicks sense in the face and laughs at it with a strange accent. I know what you're thinking, "But what about the fact that they get healed by cold and will die from heat? Does that enter into it?" Well, our hero is seen walking about wearing an oversized jacket for no reason in particular, so I don't think so.
The main way I could tell the difference between the good guy and the bad guys was situational. He has one of those faces that you can't really remember well, so I would up relying on the fact that he was dressed differently or that the woman treated him like he was the good guy.
At least they didn't bring back Dolph from the dead - that would have been way stupid.
1.0/5
________
Universal Soldier 3: Unfinished Business (1998)
In 1998, they made a sequel. That is not a misprint. They made "Universal Soldier 3 - Unfinished Business" in the same year that they made the second one. Clearly, this means that the franchise was so important and has SO MUCH story to tell that they couldn't wait to tell it all. Indeed, they had an obligation to get all of that Universal Soldiering in as quickly as possible. As with the last movie, they couldn't get the actors from the first movie.
I guess a lingering question is, "Why?" I mean, what were the original actors doing that prevented them from being in these two crappy movies in 1998? Well, Jean-Claude had two movies come out that year, Knock Off and Legionnaire. Ever see either of them? Me neither. Dolph was in three movies (not that he could have been expected to come back, I mean his character was tossed into a chipper-shredder) in 1998: Sweepers, Blackjack, and The Minion. Nope, never seen a one of them myself. At least they were both keeping busy, I guess.
We watched our hero bury his brother in the last movie. He had not gone through the Universal Soldier process, so there was no way he could regenerate. There was no way. None. He was shot in the chest three times and would not regenerate. He is, you will note, featured prominently on the cover. So, yess, we'll go ahead and bring him back to life as an evil soldier with internal conflict that we can't really get any insight into because of wooden acting (both intentional and not).
I have no idea what accent Burt Reynolds was trying for, but it was not working. If I were Burt, I'd have tried to disguise myself as best I could as well, so I don't blame him. BUT, it's not like he has a lot of screen time.
The story is a haphazard attempt to toss our hero and his female companion into wacky situations where they can demonstrate their own superiority while making a bunch of enemies that the ultimate baddie (Burt) can resurrect to be Universal Soldiers themselves. For example, our heroine somehow finds herself at a party that is inexplicably taken over by robbers and our hero needs to come in to fight them off... and they are later resurrected as soldiers. This is the fallback premise for this and every other movie in the series.
At least they didn't bring back Dolph from the dead - that would have been way stupid.
1.0/5
________
Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)
Somehow, Jean-Claude managed to free up his schedule the next year (1999) to be in the fourth installment of the Universal Soldier series - "The Return." And the last movie set up the sequel quite a bit. They brought Burt back from the dead and even implied that President Clinton was a sleeper agent, and all the sleeper agents were being called up. So... this is going to be awesome.
The producers decided to just take the last couple of movies out of the equation. I realize they did a slap-together job of explaining the process of a rogue government operation getting farmed out to whomever was willing to pay the bills in the last two movies, so I guess it's okay to roll back on those changes. After all, they didn't have the same actors, and the storyline was not on this side of believable.
So, we need a believable storyline - let's have an AI that has been too relied upon with insufficient safeguards take over the whole project. Off switch? Hahahaha! Good one. Everyone knows that computers can send surges to cut-off relays that will kill anyone grabbing the ... insulated? switches.
The new UniSols use updated weapons. They're SMGs with integrated shotguns from the look of the damage and casings, but they never need to reload them, and they make pewpewpew noises when shot - even though they appear to be firing conventional bullets.
So, the AI figures out that what it needs to do is create a "Super UniSol" with its own intelligence in the brain. The great news is, the new body already has the same voice that the AI has been using the whole time, so we won't be confused about what's going on. So, that's a thing.
The movie has the elements you'd expect from a JCVD movie. They have the massive wrestler Goldberg as one of the soldiers this time, and he's big and scary. They have a hot chick for Van Damme to protect. They pointlessly go into a strip club (well, I guess the point was to earn the R rating).
At least they didn't bring back Dolph from the dead - that would have been way stupid.
1.5/5
________
Universal Soldier: Regeneration (2010)
Let's pretend that didn't happen. That's what the writers said about the last movie. I mean, Universal Soldier: Regeneration (also known as "A New Beginning") came out in 2010, so I'm sure most people forgot about that 1999 movie anyway, right? It's not like anyone would go back and re-watch these things in sequence. That'd be ridiculous. Hey, speaking of ridiculous, they brought back Dolph's character and Dolph himself. Even though there is no shortage of not-homicidal soldiers' bodies to pick from, let's clone the pool of goo left over from the chipper-shredder of the biggest failure our super secret project has ever produced!
I wonder how many times they can just ignore movies that clearly exist, yet don't set up any kind of good point to start the next movie with. Well, this is the franchise to let us know. So far, this is the second time they ignored the events they didn't want to work with. If only life were this simple. Unfortunately, I watched those other movies, and I cannot... WILL NOT forget. You hear me Goldberg? I WILL NEVER FORGET!
Well, let's get this movie started. Step one - Russians. Wait, wasn't this 2010? The Russians haven't really been our enemies for a while now. In fact, the remake of Red Dawn didn't even use them - they went with Chinese and then decided to remove the Chinese and insert North Koreans after they had already filmed.
So, not content with the Super UniSol, They made the SuperDuper Unisol. And you may have guessed - Dolph is one of them. We're two thirds of the way into the movie before Dolph reveals himself. Shockingly, he immediately goes against his programming so he may lay waste to pathetic normal humans.
The story line they focus on more is taking JCVD and turn his accidental robotic acting and make it intentional again. It's not like he was rife with human emotions before, but now they want to beef him up even more to have him go after whomever it is that they are against - and they don't really identify that person or entity.
What's interesting is the idea that robotic movements are inherent to the human mind when all personality is removed and also that moving robotically is an improved method of engaging hostiles. The martial arts tell us that fluidity of motion increases efficiency and speed, but these guys are only useful after they are completely robotic in their movements.
1.75/5
________
Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (2012)
That's right, people. In 2012, they brought the band back together. This Juggernaut brought in a cool $3,181 in its US opening weekend. That's right - over $3K, bitches! That's $276 Quadrillion Zimbabwe dollars! This franchise is clearly the money maker for these guys.
JCVD is about a million years old at this point. They did an okay job of covering his age in the last movie, but there's no going back at this point. He was 51 when this came out, and the hard life of cocaine abuse and whatever else he might have been on. Those years were hard on him - that's beyond obvious. It's a wonder his character is supposed to regenerate so quickly and yet he ages so rapidly. Dolph is also well past his sell-by date, but he comes off as not quite as bad. Maybe if I was watching it in HD, they'd even out. Dolph, who had a hole blown in his head with a shotgun the last time (oh, come on, if he can come out of a chipper-shredder, he can survive a simple hole in the head) is looking comparatively fit.
For some reason, they went for psychological thriller instead of all-out action this time. They focus on one guy who is haunted by visions of JCVD after having his family inexplicably killed by the aforementioned Frenchman and a gang of thugs for no discernible reason.
Nevertheless, this new guy is evidently the key to creating a new line of Super Dooper Dooper Unisols. But, he is reluctant to help our former heroes, and he fights the system. You know, I sometimes forget just how freaking huge Dolph is. That guy is an absolute monster, but JCVD got the good part in the script where he appears more and gets a better fight scene. Liberal use of slow-mo and pointless flying kicks later, we end the movie with someone winning. Good guy or bad? It's inevitably a pretty bad actor.
1.25/5